My Sh*t Conscience and Confession

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I was reminded recent about being a good person who takes care anything. Not anything in every single thing, but just try to be concerned or agile over something. To be honest, my self-my mind-my heart was not really hearing and touched by anything. I only listened to my ego and self pride. I was too selfish, I don't know if I (am) still hold(ing) until now. I don't know. 

Sometimes the conscience whispered through my mind (or might be my heart) to aware of the thing around me. And also, sometimes there is a question mark in my mind. "Where is the old one of yours? You are really different person now compared to the past". It is hard to make my self becoming like my-past. Seriously? One time I think that I am too naive and plain to show my affection to others, one time I think I have to be careful for people who use me just for the advantage. Negative minds always stand doughty on my mind. So, I mused it. Then, one word appeared. One word that I did not wanna confess it. "Trauma". Feeling "trauma" over somebody(s) who calls me best friend or best friend forever . I could not say what the reason over is. And I haven't stated the "best friend" to my friends since I was 15. Yep, that's right. Though they called me with those words, I don't call 'em up.

 I'm gonna spit few things for my quality time for killing my holiday...
  • musing
  • day dreaming
  • writing
  • listening to the music
  • browsing youtube
  • hoping (to get a new job and bf, duh?)
  • SLEEPING
  • reading
I think that's all. Those bunch activities made me lazy and cared only for my self satisfaction, so I decided to help my mom doing house work. Cooking (less) foods, washing dishes, drying the dishes, sweeping, mopping, ironing, tidying something in a mess, accompanying her go somewhere, doing blablabla....

This post is more like a diary, isn't it? Hahaha...


 Okay, glancing for all over my whole dying spirit to live as an aware person, I tried to keep my faith in God and building up my relationship with HIM. The worldly thing has changed me up into the worse person. Hahaha, pathetic knowing it! 
My student were studying English "Alphabet" and "Name of Days" 31/08/12

Today, I just made my day to go back to my routine as a volunteer teacher in Kelompok Belajar Cinta Kasih, undercover of a church. It is just like an independent small school for only studying English and Mathematics from kindergarten up to senior high school. Hmm, it is more like class course to improve the ability for those lessons. It's been around 4 months I didn't attend the schedule. Hahaha... My students greet and welcomed me warmly with their angel-evil faces. They have an evil side after the angel side. Surprisingly, a nun told me to teach 1st grade E.S. and I really got a great feeling. I felt relief somehow to have this activity and I told to my self I have to keep doin' this routinely! The old thing that I did is the most significant thing for me. It is really meant for me no matter what. I know sometimes I will get bored, get spun, I get angry, I get mad, and I get cursed of my self... I love seeing my students laughing and teasing at me (though they are really sucks at a moment). I like them so much. I could only show my affection to them, only them. They are too special for me.

So, I answered my sh*t conscience with my actions for getting aware around.
This is not my purpose to make my self look alike kind person and angelic person who is willing and ready to help suffering people. No! BIG NO! I am not a Saint moreover GOD. I witness that people are getting meaner and not care about what happened around 'em. And I knowledge it, I can be that person. But I gotta get my self improved a bit. ;p

 So, I hope it can be an inspirational writing for you all without seeing who you are and your odor and your dignity.

 God bless you all...

 Btw, I got some photos of my student, they were celebrating something. I forgot hahaha... They seemed like enjoying the food also :) I forgot, it was maybe a year  ago. Maybe? I've been teaching them since I was 16, whoa... almost 4 years, rite? Witnessing they're grown up is the one of other greatest thing :)









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